Luke 6:38

God, I know I haven't been spending nearly as much time with you as I should. And lately, I've been so easily distracted, by even some of the stupidest of things. The volume needs to be turned down... Oh, new text message. It's like everytime I sit down to do anything related to You, whether it be reading, praying, or just sitting and soaking in Your presence, something comes up.
God, please take away those distractions. Help me to focus in more on You and less on everything else. Forgive me for not spending time with You. I'm sorry for making everything more important.
God, I so desire to know what it's like to be wholly satisfied by You. I want to know what it's like to not have anything else in the world matter because I know You're working and moving. God, Kourtney prayed that you would open up my eyes to see the places You are moving... I feel like that would help. So, Lord, keep me close. I want to see the awesome things You are doing in my life. I want to be led to Your ordained purpose for me.
Help remind me to be diligent in my quiet times. Lord, and let me be more capable of keeping them quiet. I want these things to be between you and I. My mom was right about my friend circle... it's entirely too big. I think Kourt, Katie, Brit, and Lauryn are going to be my go-to Roman's girls. Thank you for blessing me with such amazing friendships and for opening them up to new levels of vulnerability and trust and love.
I can't wait to see where this takes us, Lord.

Go there.

My lighter blog.

Exodus:thewayout

There is a way out.

It's quite the statement. Sometimes, I doubt the amount of truth in that statement, though. Sometimes, it feels as if there is no way out, and I am destined to spend my entire life wandering towards nothing. For me, right now is one of those sometimes. I have been stuck here, in this place of anxiety, of fear, of sadness, of loneliness, of inadequacy for months now... and I still don't see the way out. I've tried reading Scripture, praying more often, journaling, blogging, opening up to others for advice, reading books about brokenness, and still nothing. I still feel as if I am lost in the wilderness.

I watched Coastal's service online this morning, and Jim Pace was the guest speaker. I always like listening to him talk. He uses humor, but he doesn't lose track of what he's saying. He's insightful and relevant. And this morning, he was convicting and challenging. He did some sort of mix between talking about Exodus and his book, "Should We Fire God?" (which I am going to be ordering in the next few days..) His message challenged me to see myself as one of the Israelites. In Exodus, the Israelites were enslaved by the Egyptians. They cried out to God and asked for freedom, and God responded. That blows my mind. I think I make everything to be much more complicated than is necessary. But, in reality, it's so simple. They called out to Him, and He immediately started to move. The gears started turning. God was doing work!

One of the things Jim said that really caught my attention and opened this "historical account" up for new interpretation was that we need to place ourselves within the story, because as outsiders have an unfair advantage. We know exactly how the story ends. We know they get out, and it's easy for us to look at the Israelites and see them as ungrateful, unfaithful, and therefore we lose our ability to relate to them - to learn from them.

Looking at my own life with this fresh perspective is such a comfort. I can be confident knowing that when I call out to the Lord, He hears me. Not only does He hear me, but He immediately starts to move... I just might not have noticed. I don't think that after the Israelites made their plea to God that they were given a tangible way of knowing that they were heard. I don't think the ground shook. I don't think God wrote it across the sky, and I don't think anyone came by with a "delivery confirmation". So why am I expecting some grandiose sign confirming the same thing - that I was heard and my plea didn't get lost somewhere on the way to God.

See that's the problem. I put limits on God. I restrict the places, the ways, and the tools that He can use to reach out and provide, help, comfort, love, change, and, ultimately, grow me. I know what I expect, and when God acts in a way that is different or God asks me to do something I feel like I shouldn't have to do, I feel like it's all wrong. But really all He is doing is asking, "Are you willing to trust me, and follow me, even when I'm not doing it your way, because you know I'm doing something amazing?"

Am I? Am I willing to give up on my own expectations and let God have free range to guide me in whatever way He chooses to my own personal Promised Land? Jim ended his message with something that really stuck with me.... The Israelites got to their destination by the grace of God, not because they did it right the entire way. I can't expect for my journey to be any different. There will be times when I get it wrong, and times when I'm downright stupid, and times with I inflict more pain on myself. BUT... am I willing to believe and trust that no matter what I do and no matter how many times I stumble, that my God is wise enough, strong enough, caring enough, giving enough, and faithful enough to show me an Exodus - a way out - from my situation and get me to my Promised Land whatever it takes?

The Essential 100

I started a new devotional today on youversion.com called "The Essential 100". It's made up of 50 chunks of Old Testament scripture and 50 chunks of New Testament scripture. I'm pretty excited about it, hopefully it'll bring a bit of structure to my God time.
And I'll also be working on finishing up Hebrews in the meantime.....

Ready. Set. Go.

Half Empty Glasses. Greener Grasses.

double edged sword

Either you're doing right, and I'm missing out. Or you've done wrong, and I can't trust your discernment.

---

Now, I'm writing this under the assumption that there is still a chance, a chance that neither of us really wholeheartedly believe in or would even be willing to admit the existence of. But, I just can't wrap my mind around what this inbetween stage could be. What are you learning? What about this is beneficial to the our maybe, possibly, could be future together? What do I do in the meantime?

The whole thing is demotivating. I want to give up on this, on us, and on you. I want to move on. I want to see what else is out there. But, even when I do... my heart is still stuck on you.

---

God, make this worthwhile. Reassure me. Lead me to places in Scripture where you have provided comfort, wisdom, knowledge, and show me places where you have granted your followers a patience, grace, and forgiveness that mimics Yours. God, give me confidence if this is worth waiting on. Grant me freedom from this if it's not. 

Thank you for Your love and You're willingness to give me the things I ask for within reason. Continue to bless this summer, help me to know your commands in my mind and keep them in my heart. You are so awesome, Father. I don't deserve to be anywhere near Your splendor and majesty. May I live my life as a sacrifice to Your strength, beauty, and wonder. Exalt yourself with my actions, thoughts, and desires. 

I love you.

"The Man I Want To Be" - Chris Young

They played this song in church this Sunday, and it brought me to tears. If I could put words to how I've been feeling this week about love and him and God and how all those things mix together. The end part is almost the exact same as what I've been praying....


God, I'm down here on my knees 'cause it's the last place left to fall
Beggin' for another chance if there's any chance at all
That you might still be listening, loving and forgiving guys like me
I've spent my whole life gettin' it all wrong, and I sure could use your help
cause from now on..

I wanna be a good man, a "do like I should" man
I wanna be the kind of man the mirror likes to see
I wanna be a strong man, an admit that I was wrong man
God I'm asking you to come change me into the man I wanna be

If there's anyway for her and me to make another start
could you see what you could do to put some love back in her heart
Cause it's going to take a miracle after all I've done to really make her see

That I wanna be a stay man, I wanna be a great man
I wanna be the kind of man she sees in her dreams
God, I wanna be your man and I wanna be her man
God, I only hope she still believes in the man I wanna be

Well, I know it's late at night and talk is cheap, but, Lord, don't give up on me
I wanna be a giving man, I wanna really start living man
God, I'm asking you to come change me into the man I wanna be

Living Beyond Breathing

I have to admit... I've been in a bit of a God rut lately. I don't really know what happened. But I've just felt really unmotivated lately. I haven't been reading scripture very much, and my prayer life is strained at best. It's been a couple weeks since the last time I've prayed and walked away not feeling like I was just talking to air. I hate feeling this way, and it's been bothering me all week. Then today, I was sitting at home listening to an old podcast of Awake, the young adults service I go to at home (email/skype/fbchat/call/text me if you want more info about it).The series they were on when this podcast was made is called, "Living Beyond Breathing", and it caught my attention because that's what I have been longing for.... to feel as if I am living to do something other than breathe, to do something other than just exist.

Now, I don't know this guy Anthony Patrovani, who was speaking that night. I wish I did. But, I do know that this guy is someone I am extremely thankful to call a Brother in Christ. His message, based on John 5:8 inspired me. It challenged me. It made me realize what my spiritual walk has been lacking. He said:

The things we are responsible for in our walk are not about religious duty. It’s about life and not religion. That’s what Jesus has come to give us. Life. Not a list of do’s and don’ts. It’s not a bunch of “Here it is, do this. Don’t do that.” It’s about life that He’s given us. And so when we approach the Word, for example, and we come together it should not be a burden. It shouldn’t be something that’s weighing us down. It ought to be something we approach and think, “This is going to give me strength.”

That's what I've been missing.... my walk isn't passionate anymore. It's not drawing anything out of God. I'm not walking away from it feeling encouraged, supported, or blessed in anyway. And it's because I have made it into something it's not. I made it into habit, into a religious routine. No wonder I don't have the desire to do it anymore... it's become nothing more than a chore. It's spiritual laundry that I've turned into a cycle - get cozy in bed, pray for an open mind, read a little bit, pray again for what I think I need, then repeat the next day. Why do I expect to get any sort of fulfillment from that?
My time with God should be me encountering God in whatever way He calls me to at that time, whether it be through reading Scripture, spending time in prayer, praising and worshiping Him for who he is, serving His people, or just being still before His throne and letting His presence surround me and fulfill me. And my time with God shouldn't be limited to just when I pull away in my room and say "Okay, now I'm making time for you." My time with God is my time living life in it's entirety.

Father,
Thank you so much for showing up today in an unexpected way. Thank you for every breath, God, and thank you for awakening the desire inside of me to do more than just that. God, show me your presence in the little mundane tasks of the day. Let me see your character, your love, your strength, your beauty, and your grace and let it fill me up so I can show it to others. God, give me back my passion for knowing you intimately. Don't let me be satisfied with just barely scratching the surface of You anymore. God, bring me to the nitty gritty. Bring me to the hard answers. Bring me to truth that I can stand on. Help me to be sensitive to the convictions that come from You, and help me to let everything else not matter.
I love you so much, Lord.

Safe

I can't stop. The ceiling fan above me turns, slow but constant. The movement is mimiced by all the thoughts living inside my mind. Circling. One after another. Thoughts of you and I. Thoughts of better times. Thoughts of late night food runs, laughter, and stolen glances from the corners of downturned eyes. It keeps me from sleeping. From the left, I can hear a low, dull drone. It's steady, and I'm taken back to the place we used to sleep, my head on your chest. My arms around your waist. Your arms squeezing my back. I'd stay up and listen to your pulse, sync my breath to yours, until I felt enough at ease to drift away from the here and now.
Half of me prays that it will all stop. That every bit of you would fade away from my memory. But, the other half of me is okay just knowing that I still have this to hold on to. That when my body longs to feel your warmth beside me, I still have these memories. When I wish for that tiny bit of air to escape from the corners of your sleeping smile and make its new home against the backside of my ear, I still have these memories. When all I want is to be reminded of how perfectly our forms fit together, to feel your callused fingers interlaced in mine, to know the softness again of your lips on my cheek, I still have these memories.
It may seem like grasping at straws now, but maybe someday it'll feel like home again. And maybe someday, I'll feel safe again. Safe enough to sleep. Safe enough to dream. Safe enough to say the words.


"I love you, and I mean it."

At last.

Dear Blogspot, I'm sorry for having ignored you for so long. I've been out in the real world doing real things of real importance. But, today is a Saturday, and I have nothing better to do than vent my life to you.

Let's play a quick game of catch up shall we.. I am finally in the OBX for the summer. It felt like this was never actually going to happen, and the last three months were the longest of my life, particularly Sunday. I was stressed and really anxious about coming down. I had this intense fear that all my friends would forget about me (which I guess, that fear still sort of exists, but it's much smaller now), that Lindsay and I were gonna butt heads a lot, that I would be bored all the time, and that my God time would suffer since I'd be away from Coastal, Fuse, and Awake. But looking back at this past week, it seems like it'll all be worth it. Lindsay and I are getting along incredibly, and it's been so relaxing to be away from Virginia Beach and all the problems that reside there.

I have this unwavering notion that I am here for a purpose. I fought against coming here so hard, and I made plenty of excuses for why I would need to stay in Virginia Beach longer, and why I would need to be home more often than needed. It's not that I'm scared of coming home and being different... because I know it'll be a good change, a healthy change. I know my friendships will grow and become stronger. I know I'll come home with more ambition and motivation. And I know my heart will be much better off.

But, if I'm really being honest, I'm petrified of what it'll take to make the change. I'm scared to face the fact that I haven't been responsible about my education and that while I have a general idea of what I want to do, I don't know what it'll take to get there. I'm scared of not being financially able to take my classes. I'm scared of spending so much time in school learning and then the industry turning to crap when I get out.

And the biggest thing I've come to find in these five days of being here is that I'm not as over my last relationship as I thought I was. I think about it and him more often than I want to own up to, and no matter how much my head says I need to, my heart can't seem to unclinch. There is still this part of me that believes that we could work things out if we would both stop being so stubborn. And now on top of every confusing thing that exists in that realm of thought.... he's officially moved on. So now not only do I have process through my lingering feelings, but I have to do it knowing he couldn't care less.

Dudes.

You guys are frickin' retards. The end.

.....

But no, really. You don't make any sense. It's as if you all exist in this secret soceity where the mission is solely to break hearts and take names. Except, instead of going the typical "good looks and a badass gun" route, you prefer a more subtle approach. I call it the "sneak into their life, play it cool, tell a joke, compliment, become one of the best friends, gain access to every vulnerable part of their being, comfort them in hard times, and then... walkout" route.

And the worst part of it all, is that you get away with it. EVERYTIME.

But why?! It's almost as if a female countermission to tame you is engrained into our being from birth. We all have this need to convince you that it's better to be on our good side, because, let's face it, we're everything you're not. We are your perfect compliment. So we let you in, with this idiotic idea that "we know better" than to let you mess with us. We tell ourselves and everyone else that we won't be falling fools to your trickery this time. We're stronger than that. But just in case, we build up walls, tell half-truths, and question everything. At least, that's what the smart girls do.

But me, I'm not a smart girl. I am a victim to your blue-green eyes. I soak in your sense of humor. I look past every stupid statement. I think every step is a step in the right direction. I overanalyze every text, email, and facebook chat. I take care of you. I come to you for advice. I trust everything you say. I think you'll be the one who is different. I set you up to be the one who never hurts me.

... and I'm always proved wrong. You're just another secret society guy, and you probably always will be. You're a let down. But with every letdown, I grow closer to being a smart girl. So, I guess I can be grateful for that.

Life is two sequencial letters.

(re)verse     my growth. This time last year, I was right where I needed to be. I was on track with God, had the most incredible friendships, I was moved on from my last relationship, my family life was as stable as it could be, and I was making my way to making my way in the world. Enter you, from stage left. Caught up and swept away by a kind smile and a warm hand, you were everything I wanted but nothing that I needed. Good looks, an outer shell of faith, and every word I could have ever hoped to hear weren't enough to make us last. We both needed something of sustance, and we both learned that's something you will never find lying down. I don't ever want to view you as a mistake... but from where I'm sitting now, it's hard not to.

(re)establish     my identity. At first, I tried to reestablish myself with you. It would work to an extent. But, what's not meant to be.. won't be. And Honey, we weren't meant to be. Then, I tried to establish myself solely as myself. Yet, for whatever reason, Alicia doesn't and will never exist alone. If I wasn't tied to you, I was tied to thoughts of you. If not that, I was tied to whichever best friend had the most spare time. And when all of that failed, I was tied to tearstains and disappointment. I think, in all honesty, I knew where I could go to find what I was lacking; I was more than terrified of what I'd have to wade through in order to get there.

(re)flect     on everything. I'd done a really good job throughout my life of convincing myself that the outside is what's worth paying attention to. It's more beautiful anyways, right? Wrong. The outside was what had been letting me down all these years. The outside is a coverup. The outside is a sham. Inside can't be hidden beneath cool clothes, the right makeup, or good lighting. It's the guts and gore and none of the glamour. It's every thought, every intention, every mistake, every flaw. Inside is what we're made of and it makes us who we are. It determines our decisions. It directs our steps. It becomes our outcome. Inside is scary. Upon inspection, I found out why life wasn't so great anymore. My insides sucked. I had lost sight of God, lost sight of my values, and the end result was losing sight of everything I ever wanted to be and had become the opposite.

(re)surrender     myself to God. One long honest talk with Father... that's all it took. I poured out everything from my disappointments to my dreams. My shames to my innermost desires. My fears to my pleasures. I laughed, and I cried. Though, I do admit, there was much more crying. I exhaled the deepest breath I had in years, and the effects were immediate. I felt light, peaceful, happy, motivated and within me existed an overwhelming contentment from knowing that "everything would always be more than just okay".

(re)peat     the cycle. I read somewhere that the thing that makes a living sacrifice different from a dead one is that a living sacrifice can leave the altar. As a living sacrifice, I have to admit, I am probably off the altar more than I am on it. I am constantly getting distracted, straying from God and consequently straying from the life I desire, and then having to resurrender all over again. A wise friend always tells me that "In Christ, we have no reason to be shameful. Shame isn't from God." And she's right. But conviction is... and typing this right now is conviction enough. I want to live in such a way that I have no need to "re"surrender anything, because I am living in a constant state of surrender. I don't want to withhold anything from God ever. I know it's unattainable, but it's something worth striving for, I think. It's something worth attempting. It's something worth (re)trying when I inevitably fail.

Now, I'm (re)ady to make a change. To (re)joice. To (re)call all the Lord's promises and (re)alize that they were made to me. To (re)lax and find comfort in knowing I don't have to always be in control. To (re)st in His victory.

Exodus 14:10-14

As Pharaoh approached, the people of Israel looked up and panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them. They cried out to the Lord, and they said to Moses, “Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? Didn’t we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, ‘Leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It’s better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!’” But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

Legacy.

I am not an introspective person. By choice. A lot of the time, I don't want to think too deeply about myself, my character, my decisions, or my life because I'm way too scared that I'll be faced with something I don't like. Something I'm not proud of. Something other people could never like and would never want to be a part of.
Tonight at Fuse, James did his message about how to leave a legacy that glorifies God, and it made me think about what my own legacy would look like if I were to die tonight. The conclusion: I'd be leaving behind a legacy of one-sided friendships, poor financial decisions, impure relationships, and a lack of integrity and honesty. I definitely don't want that to be how I go down in the history books.
The part of tonight's message that hit me hardest was hearing that leaving an awesome legacy means getting over the fact that so far, my life has sucked.  It means owning up to what I've done and who I've been thus far and striving to be someone better. It means constantly doing self-checkups to make sure I'm acting in a way that glorifies the Lord. It means earnestlt seeking wisdom, guidance, clarity, and conviction from God -- and then acting on it! Psalm 139:23-24 says:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

This is part of my attempt at getting better, by growing my relationship with Christ. By being accountable to everyone in internetland for my convictions. By recalling my life as the joyful, exciting, passionate life it was intended to be.