double edged sword

Either you're doing right, and I'm missing out. Or you've done wrong, and I can't trust your discernment.

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Now, I'm writing this under the assumption that there is still a chance, a chance that neither of us really wholeheartedly believe in or would even be willing to admit the existence of. But, I just can't wrap my mind around what this inbetween stage could be. What are you learning? What about this is beneficial to the our maybe, possibly, could be future together? What do I do in the meantime?

The whole thing is demotivating. I want to give up on this, on us, and on you. I want to move on. I want to see what else is out there. But, even when I do... my heart is still stuck on you.

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God, make this worthwhile. Reassure me. Lead me to places in Scripture where you have provided comfort, wisdom, knowledge, and show me places where you have granted your followers a patience, grace, and forgiveness that mimics Yours. God, give me confidence if this is worth waiting on. Grant me freedom from this if it's not. 

Thank you for Your love and You're willingness to give me the things I ask for within reason. Continue to bless this summer, help me to know your commands in my mind and keep them in my heart. You are so awesome, Father. I don't deserve to be anywhere near Your splendor and majesty. May I live my life as a sacrifice to Your strength, beauty, and wonder. Exalt yourself with my actions, thoughts, and desires. 

I love you.

"The Man I Want To Be" - Chris Young

They played this song in church this Sunday, and it brought me to tears. If I could put words to how I've been feeling this week about love and him and God and how all those things mix together. The end part is almost the exact same as what I've been praying....


God, I'm down here on my knees 'cause it's the last place left to fall
Beggin' for another chance if there's any chance at all
That you might still be listening, loving and forgiving guys like me
I've spent my whole life gettin' it all wrong, and I sure could use your help
cause from now on..

I wanna be a good man, a "do like I should" man
I wanna be the kind of man the mirror likes to see
I wanna be a strong man, an admit that I was wrong man
God I'm asking you to come change me into the man I wanna be

If there's anyway for her and me to make another start
could you see what you could do to put some love back in her heart
Cause it's going to take a miracle after all I've done to really make her see

That I wanna be a stay man, I wanna be a great man
I wanna be the kind of man she sees in her dreams
God, I wanna be your man and I wanna be her man
God, I only hope she still believes in the man I wanna be

Well, I know it's late at night and talk is cheap, but, Lord, don't give up on me
I wanna be a giving man, I wanna really start living man
God, I'm asking you to come change me into the man I wanna be

Living Beyond Breathing

I have to admit... I've been in a bit of a God rut lately. I don't really know what happened. But I've just felt really unmotivated lately. I haven't been reading scripture very much, and my prayer life is strained at best. It's been a couple weeks since the last time I've prayed and walked away not feeling like I was just talking to air. I hate feeling this way, and it's been bothering me all week. Then today, I was sitting at home listening to an old podcast of Awake, the young adults service I go to at home (email/skype/fbchat/call/text me if you want more info about it).The series they were on when this podcast was made is called, "Living Beyond Breathing", and it caught my attention because that's what I have been longing for.... to feel as if I am living to do something other than breathe, to do something other than just exist.

Now, I don't know this guy Anthony Patrovani, who was speaking that night. I wish I did. But, I do know that this guy is someone I am extremely thankful to call a Brother in Christ. His message, based on John 5:8 inspired me. It challenged me. It made me realize what my spiritual walk has been lacking. He said:

The things we are responsible for in our walk are not about religious duty. It’s about life and not religion. That’s what Jesus has come to give us. Life. Not a list of do’s and don’ts. It’s not a bunch of “Here it is, do this. Don’t do that.” It’s about life that He’s given us. And so when we approach the Word, for example, and we come together it should not be a burden. It shouldn’t be something that’s weighing us down. It ought to be something we approach and think, “This is going to give me strength.”

That's what I've been missing.... my walk isn't passionate anymore. It's not drawing anything out of God. I'm not walking away from it feeling encouraged, supported, or blessed in anyway. And it's because I have made it into something it's not. I made it into habit, into a religious routine. No wonder I don't have the desire to do it anymore... it's become nothing more than a chore. It's spiritual laundry that I've turned into a cycle - get cozy in bed, pray for an open mind, read a little bit, pray again for what I think I need, then repeat the next day. Why do I expect to get any sort of fulfillment from that?
My time with God should be me encountering God in whatever way He calls me to at that time, whether it be through reading Scripture, spending time in prayer, praising and worshiping Him for who he is, serving His people, or just being still before His throne and letting His presence surround me and fulfill me. And my time with God shouldn't be limited to just when I pull away in my room and say "Okay, now I'm making time for you." My time with God is my time living life in it's entirety.

Father,
Thank you so much for showing up today in an unexpected way. Thank you for every breath, God, and thank you for awakening the desire inside of me to do more than just that. God, show me your presence in the little mundane tasks of the day. Let me see your character, your love, your strength, your beauty, and your grace and let it fill me up so I can show it to others. God, give me back my passion for knowing you intimately. Don't let me be satisfied with just barely scratching the surface of You anymore. God, bring me to the nitty gritty. Bring me to the hard answers. Bring me to truth that I can stand on. Help me to be sensitive to the convictions that come from You, and help me to let everything else not matter.
I love you so much, Lord.

Safe

I can't stop. The ceiling fan above me turns, slow but constant. The movement is mimiced by all the thoughts living inside my mind. Circling. One after another. Thoughts of you and I. Thoughts of better times. Thoughts of late night food runs, laughter, and stolen glances from the corners of downturned eyes. It keeps me from sleeping. From the left, I can hear a low, dull drone. It's steady, and I'm taken back to the place we used to sleep, my head on your chest. My arms around your waist. Your arms squeezing my back. I'd stay up and listen to your pulse, sync my breath to yours, until I felt enough at ease to drift away from the here and now.
Half of me prays that it will all stop. That every bit of you would fade away from my memory. But, the other half of me is okay just knowing that I still have this to hold on to. That when my body longs to feel your warmth beside me, I still have these memories. When I wish for that tiny bit of air to escape from the corners of your sleeping smile and make its new home against the backside of my ear, I still have these memories. When all I want is to be reminded of how perfectly our forms fit together, to feel your callused fingers interlaced in mine, to know the softness again of your lips on my cheek, I still have these memories.
It may seem like grasping at straws now, but maybe someday it'll feel like home again. And maybe someday, I'll feel safe again. Safe enough to sleep. Safe enough to dream. Safe enough to say the words.


"I love you, and I mean it."

At last.

Dear Blogspot, I'm sorry for having ignored you for so long. I've been out in the real world doing real things of real importance. But, today is a Saturday, and I have nothing better to do than vent my life to you.

Let's play a quick game of catch up shall we.. I am finally in the OBX for the summer. It felt like this was never actually going to happen, and the last three months were the longest of my life, particularly Sunday. I was stressed and really anxious about coming down. I had this intense fear that all my friends would forget about me (which I guess, that fear still sort of exists, but it's much smaller now), that Lindsay and I were gonna butt heads a lot, that I would be bored all the time, and that my God time would suffer since I'd be away from Coastal, Fuse, and Awake. But looking back at this past week, it seems like it'll all be worth it. Lindsay and I are getting along incredibly, and it's been so relaxing to be away from Virginia Beach and all the problems that reside there.

I have this unwavering notion that I am here for a purpose. I fought against coming here so hard, and I made plenty of excuses for why I would need to stay in Virginia Beach longer, and why I would need to be home more often than needed. It's not that I'm scared of coming home and being different... because I know it'll be a good change, a healthy change. I know my friendships will grow and become stronger. I know I'll come home with more ambition and motivation. And I know my heart will be much better off.

But, if I'm really being honest, I'm petrified of what it'll take to make the change. I'm scared to face the fact that I haven't been responsible about my education and that while I have a general idea of what I want to do, I don't know what it'll take to get there. I'm scared of not being financially able to take my classes. I'm scared of spending so much time in school learning and then the industry turning to crap when I get out.

And the biggest thing I've come to find in these five days of being here is that I'm not as over my last relationship as I thought I was. I think about it and him more often than I want to own up to, and no matter how much my head says I need to, my heart can't seem to unclinch. There is still this part of me that believes that we could work things out if we would both stop being so stubborn. And now on top of every confusing thing that exists in that realm of thought.... he's officially moved on. So now not only do I have process through my lingering feelings, but I have to do it knowing he couldn't care less.