At last.

Dear Blogspot, I'm sorry for having ignored you for so long. I've been out in the real world doing real things of real importance. But, today is a Saturday, and I have nothing better to do than vent my life to you.

Let's play a quick game of catch up shall we.. I am finally in the OBX for the summer. It felt like this was never actually going to happen, and the last three months were the longest of my life, particularly Sunday. I was stressed and really anxious about coming down. I had this intense fear that all my friends would forget about me (which I guess, that fear still sort of exists, but it's much smaller now), that Lindsay and I were gonna butt heads a lot, that I would be bored all the time, and that my God time would suffer since I'd be away from Coastal, Fuse, and Awake. But looking back at this past week, it seems like it'll all be worth it. Lindsay and I are getting along incredibly, and it's been so relaxing to be away from Virginia Beach and all the problems that reside there.

I have this unwavering notion that I am here for a purpose. I fought against coming here so hard, and I made plenty of excuses for why I would need to stay in Virginia Beach longer, and why I would need to be home more often than needed. It's not that I'm scared of coming home and being different... because I know it'll be a good change, a healthy change. I know my friendships will grow and become stronger. I know I'll come home with more ambition and motivation. And I know my heart will be much better off.

But, if I'm really being honest, I'm petrified of what it'll take to make the change. I'm scared to face the fact that I haven't been responsible about my education and that while I have a general idea of what I want to do, I don't know what it'll take to get there. I'm scared of not being financially able to take my classes. I'm scared of spending so much time in school learning and then the industry turning to crap when I get out.

And the biggest thing I've come to find in these five days of being here is that I'm not as over my last relationship as I thought I was. I think about it and him more often than I want to own up to, and no matter how much my head says I need to, my heart can't seem to unclinch. There is still this part of me that believes that we could work things out if we would both stop being so stubborn. And now on top of every confusing thing that exists in that realm of thought.... he's officially moved on. So now not only do I have process through my lingering feelings, but I have to do it knowing he couldn't care less.