Dudes.

You guys are frickin' retards. The end.

.....

But no, really. You don't make any sense. It's as if you all exist in this secret soceity where the mission is solely to break hearts and take names. Except, instead of going the typical "good looks and a badass gun" route, you prefer a more subtle approach. I call it the "sneak into their life, play it cool, tell a joke, compliment, become one of the best friends, gain access to every vulnerable part of their being, comfort them in hard times, and then... walkout" route.

And the worst part of it all, is that you get away with it. EVERYTIME.

But why?! It's almost as if a female countermission to tame you is engrained into our being from birth. We all have this need to convince you that it's better to be on our good side, because, let's face it, we're everything you're not. We are your perfect compliment. So we let you in, with this idiotic idea that "we know better" than to let you mess with us. We tell ourselves and everyone else that we won't be falling fools to your trickery this time. We're stronger than that. But just in case, we build up walls, tell half-truths, and question everything. At least, that's what the smart girls do.

But me, I'm not a smart girl. I am a victim to your blue-green eyes. I soak in your sense of humor. I look past every stupid statement. I think every step is a step in the right direction. I overanalyze every text, email, and facebook chat. I take care of you. I come to you for advice. I trust everything you say. I think you'll be the one who is different. I set you up to be the one who never hurts me.

... and I'm always proved wrong. You're just another secret society guy, and you probably always will be. You're a let down. But with every letdown, I grow closer to being a smart girl. So, I guess I can be grateful for that.

Life is two sequencial letters.

(re)verse     my growth. This time last year, I was right where I needed to be. I was on track with God, had the most incredible friendships, I was moved on from my last relationship, my family life was as stable as it could be, and I was making my way to making my way in the world. Enter you, from stage left. Caught up and swept away by a kind smile and a warm hand, you were everything I wanted but nothing that I needed. Good looks, an outer shell of faith, and every word I could have ever hoped to hear weren't enough to make us last. We both needed something of sustance, and we both learned that's something you will never find lying down. I don't ever want to view you as a mistake... but from where I'm sitting now, it's hard not to.

(re)establish     my identity. At first, I tried to reestablish myself with you. It would work to an extent. But, what's not meant to be.. won't be. And Honey, we weren't meant to be. Then, I tried to establish myself solely as myself. Yet, for whatever reason, Alicia doesn't and will never exist alone. If I wasn't tied to you, I was tied to thoughts of you. If not that, I was tied to whichever best friend had the most spare time. And when all of that failed, I was tied to tearstains and disappointment. I think, in all honesty, I knew where I could go to find what I was lacking; I was more than terrified of what I'd have to wade through in order to get there.

(re)flect     on everything. I'd done a really good job throughout my life of convincing myself that the outside is what's worth paying attention to. It's more beautiful anyways, right? Wrong. The outside was what had been letting me down all these years. The outside is a coverup. The outside is a sham. Inside can't be hidden beneath cool clothes, the right makeup, or good lighting. It's the guts and gore and none of the glamour. It's every thought, every intention, every mistake, every flaw. Inside is what we're made of and it makes us who we are. It determines our decisions. It directs our steps. It becomes our outcome. Inside is scary. Upon inspection, I found out why life wasn't so great anymore. My insides sucked. I had lost sight of God, lost sight of my values, and the end result was losing sight of everything I ever wanted to be and had become the opposite.

(re)surrender     myself to God. One long honest talk with Father... that's all it took. I poured out everything from my disappointments to my dreams. My shames to my innermost desires. My fears to my pleasures. I laughed, and I cried. Though, I do admit, there was much more crying. I exhaled the deepest breath I had in years, and the effects were immediate. I felt light, peaceful, happy, motivated and within me existed an overwhelming contentment from knowing that "everything would always be more than just okay".

(re)peat     the cycle. I read somewhere that the thing that makes a living sacrifice different from a dead one is that a living sacrifice can leave the altar. As a living sacrifice, I have to admit, I am probably off the altar more than I am on it. I am constantly getting distracted, straying from God and consequently straying from the life I desire, and then having to resurrender all over again. A wise friend always tells me that "In Christ, we have no reason to be shameful. Shame isn't from God." And she's right. But conviction is... and typing this right now is conviction enough. I want to live in such a way that I have no need to "re"surrender anything, because I am living in a constant state of surrender. I don't want to withhold anything from God ever. I know it's unattainable, but it's something worth striving for, I think. It's something worth attempting. It's something worth (re)trying when I inevitably fail.

Now, I'm (re)ady to make a change. To (re)joice. To (re)call all the Lord's promises and (re)alize that they were made to me. To (re)lax and find comfort in knowing I don't have to always be in control. To (re)st in His victory.

Exodus 14:10-14

As Pharaoh approached, the people of Israel looked up and panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them. They cried out to the Lord, and they said to Moses, “Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? Didn’t we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, ‘Leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It’s better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!’” But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

Legacy.

I am not an introspective person. By choice. A lot of the time, I don't want to think too deeply about myself, my character, my decisions, or my life because I'm way too scared that I'll be faced with something I don't like. Something I'm not proud of. Something other people could never like and would never want to be a part of.
Tonight at Fuse, James did his message about how to leave a legacy that glorifies God, and it made me think about what my own legacy would look like if I were to die tonight. The conclusion: I'd be leaving behind a legacy of one-sided friendships, poor financial decisions, impure relationships, and a lack of integrity and honesty. I definitely don't want that to be how I go down in the history books.
The part of tonight's message that hit me hardest was hearing that leaving an awesome legacy means getting over the fact that so far, my life has sucked.  It means owning up to what I've done and who I've been thus far and striving to be someone better. It means constantly doing self-checkups to make sure I'm acting in a way that glorifies the Lord. It means earnestlt seeking wisdom, guidance, clarity, and conviction from God -- and then acting on it! Psalm 139:23-24 says:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

This is part of my attempt at getting better, by growing my relationship with Christ. By being accountable to everyone in internetland for my convictions. By recalling my life as the joyful, exciting, passionate life it was intended to be.