Life is two sequencial letters.

(re)verse     my growth. This time last year, I was right where I needed to be. I was on track with God, had the most incredible friendships, I was moved on from my last relationship, my family life was as stable as it could be, and I was making my way to making my way in the world. Enter you, from stage left. Caught up and swept away by a kind smile and a warm hand, you were everything I wanted but nothing that I needed. Good looks, an outer shell of faith, and every word I could have ever hoped to hear weren't enough to make us last. We both needed something of sustance, and we both learned that's something you will never find lying down. I don't ever want to view you as a mistake... but from where I'm sitting now, it's hard not to.

(re)establish     my identity. At first, I tried to reestablish myself with you. It would work to an extent. But, what's not meant to be.. won't be. And Honey, we weren't meant to be. Then, I tried to establish myself solely as myself. Yet, for whatever reason, Alicia doesn't and will never exist alone. If I wasn't tied to you, I was tied to thoughts of you. If not that, I was tied to whichever best friend had the most spare time. And when all of that failed, I was tied to tearstains and disappointment. I think, in all honesty, I knew where I could go to find what I was lacking; I was more than terrified of what I'd have to wade through in order to get there.

(re)flect     on everything. I'd done a really good job throughout my life of convincing myself that the outside is what's worth paying attention to. It's more beautiful anyways, right? Wrong. The outside was what had been letting me down all these years. The outside is a coverup. The outside is a sham. Inside can't be hidden beneath cool clothes, the right makeup, or good lighting. It's the guts and gore and none of the glamour. It's every thought, every intention, every mistake, every flaw. Inside is what we're made of and it makes us who we are. It determines our decisions. It directs our steps. It becomes our outcome. Inside is scary. Upon inspection, I found out why life wasn't so great anymore. My insides sucked. I had lost sight of God, lost sight of my values, and the end result was losing sight of everything I ever wanted to be and had become the opposite.

(re)surrender     myself to God. One long honest talk with Father... that's all it took. I poured out everything from my disappointments to my dreams. My shames to my innermost desires. My fears to my pleasures. I laughed, and I cried. Though, I do admit, there was much more crying. I exhaled the deepest breath I had in years, and the effects were immediate. I felt light, peaceful, happy, motivated and within me existed an overwhelming contentment from knowing that "everything would always be more than just okay".

(re)peat     the cycle. I read somewhere that the thing that makes a living sacrifice different from a dead one is that a living sacrifice can leave the altar. As a living sacrifice, I have to admit, I am probably off the altar more than I am on it. I am constantly getting distracted, straying from God and consequently straying from the life I desire, and then having to resurrender all over again. A wise friend always tells me that "In Christ, we have no reason to be shameful. Shame isn't from God." And she's right. But conviction is... and typing this right now is conviction enough. I want to live in such a way that I have no need to "re"surrender anything, because I am living in a constant state of surrender. I don't want to withhold anything from God ever. I know it's unattainable, but it's something worth striving for, I think. It's something worth attempting. It's something worth (re)trying when I inevitably fail.

Now, I'm (re)ady to make a change. To (re)joice. To (re)call all the Lord's promises and (re)alize that they were made to me. To (re)lax and find comfort in knowing I don't have to always be in control. To (re)st in His victory.