God, I know I haven't been spending nearly as much time with you as I should. And lately, I've been so easily distracted, by even some of the stupidest of things. The volume needs to be turned down... Oh, new text message. It's like everytime I sit down to do anything related to You, whether it be reading, praying, or just sitting and soaking in Your presence, something comes up.
God, please take away those distractions. Help me to focus in more on You and less on everything else. Forgive me for not spending time with You. I'm sorry for making everything more important.
God, I so desire to know what it's like to be wholly satisfied by You. I want to know what it's like to not have anything else in the world matter because I know You're working and moving. God, Kourtney prayed that you would open up my eyes to see the places You are moving... I feel like that would help. So, Lord, keep me close. I want to see the awesome things You are doing in my life. I want to be led to Your ordained purpose for me.
Help remind me to be diligent in my quiet times. Lord, and let me be more capable of keeping them quiet. I want these things to be between you and I. My mom was right about my friend circle... it's entirely too big. I think Kourt, Katie, Brit, and Lauryn are going to be my go-to Roman's girls. Thank you for blessing me with such amazing friendships and for opening them up to new levels of vulnerability and trust and love.
I can't wait to see where this takes us, Lord.
03 August 2010
09 July 2010
04 July 2010
Exodus:thewayout
There is a way out.
It's quite the statement. Sometimes, I doubt the amount of truth in that statement, though. Sometimes, it feels as if there is no way out, and I am destined to spend my entire life wandering towards nothing. For me, right now is one of those sometimes. I have been stuck here, in this place of anxiety, of fear, of sadness, of loneliness, of inadequacy for months now... and I still don't see the way out. I've tried reading Scripture, praying more often, journaling, blogging, opening up to others for advice, reading books about brokenness, and still nothing. I still feel as if I am lost in the wilderness.
I watched Coastal's service online this morning, and Jim Pace was the guest speaker. I always like listening to him talk. He uses humor, but he doesn't lose track of what he's saying. He's insightful and relevant. And this morning, he was convicting and challenging. He did some sort of mix between talking about Exodus and his book, "Should We Fire God?" (which I am going to be ordering in the next few days..) His message challenged me to see myself as one of the Israelites. In Exodus, the Israelites were enslaved by the Egyptians. They cried out to God and asked for freedom, and God responded. That blows my mind. I think I make everything to be much more complicated than is necessary. But, in reality, it's so simple. They called out to Him, and He immediately started to move. The gears started turning. God was doing work!
One of the things Jim said that really caught my attention and opened this "historical account" up for new interpretation was that we need to place ourselves within the story, because as outsiders have an unfair advantage. We know exactly how the story ends. We know they get out, and it's easy for us to look at the Israelites and see them as ungrateful, unfaithful, and therefore we lose our ability to relate to them - to learn from them.
Looking at my own life with this fresh perspective is such a comfort. I can be confident knowing that when I call out to the Lord, He hears me. Not only does He hear me, but He immediately starts to move... I just might not have noticed. I don't think that after the Israelites made their plea to God that they were given a tangible way of knowing that they were heard. I don't think the ground shook. I don't think God wrote it across the sky, and I don't think anyone came by with a "delivery confirmation". So why am I expecting some grandiose sign confirming the same thing - that I was heard and my plea didn't get lost somewhere on the way to God.
See that's the problem. I put limits on God. I restrict the places, the ways, and the tools that He can use to reach out and provide, help, comfort, love, change, and, ultimately, grow me. I know what I expect, and when God acts in a way that is different or God asks me to do something I feel like I shouldn't have to do, I feel like it's all wrong. But really all He is doing is asking, "Are you willing to trust me, and follow me, even when I'm not doing it your way, because you know I'm doing something amazing?"
Am I? Am I willing to give up on my own expectations and let God have free range to guide me in whatever way He chooses to my own personal Promised Land? Jim ended his message with something that really stuck with me.... The Israelites got to their destination by the grace of God, not because they did it right the entire way. I can't expect for my journey to be any different. There will be times when I get it wrong, and times when I'm downright stupid, and times with I inflict more pain on myself. BUT... am I willing to believe and trust that no matter what I do and no matter how many times I stumble, that my God is wise enough, strong enough, caring enough, giving enough, and faithful enough to show me an Exodus - a way out - from my situation and get me to my Promised Land whatever it takes?
It's quite the statement. Sometimes, I doubt the amount of truth in that statement, though. Sometimes, it feels as if there is no way out, and I am destined to spend my entire life wandering towards nothing. For me, right now is one of those sometimes. I have been stuck here, in this place of anxiety, of fear, of sadness, of loneliness, of inadequacy for months now... and I still don't see the way out. I've tried reading Scripture, praying more often, journaling, blogging, opening up to others for advice, reading books about brokenness, and still nothing. I still feel as if I am lost in the wilderness.
I watched Coastal's service online this morning, and Jim Pace was the guest speaker. I always like listening to him talk. He uses humor, but he doesn't lose track of what he's saying. He's insightful and relevant. And this morning, he was convicting and challenging. He did some sort of mix between talking about Exodus and his book, "Should We Fire God?" (which I am going to be ordering in the next few days..) His message challenged me to see myself as one of the Israelites. In Exodus, the Israelites were enslaved by the Egyptians. They cried out to God and asked for freedom, and God responded. That blows my mind. I think I make everything to be much more complicated than is necessary. But, in reality, it's so simple. They called out to Him, and He immediately started to move. The gears started turning. God was doing work!
One of the things Jim said that really caught my attention and opened this "historical account" up for new interpretation was that we need to place ourselves within the story, because as outsiders have an unfair advantage. We know exactly how the story ends. We know they get out, and it's easy for us to look at the Israelites and see them as ungrateful, unfaithful, and therefore we lose our ability to relate to them - to learn from them.
Looking at my own life with this fresh perspective is such a comfort. I can be confident knowing that when I call out to the Lord, He hears me. Not only does He hear me, but He immediately starts to move... I just might not have noticed. I don't think that after the Israelites made their plea to God that they were given a tangible way of knowing that they were heard. I don't think the ground shook. I don't think God wrote it across the sky, and I don't think anyone came by with a "delivery confirmation". So why am I expecting some grandiose sign confirming the same thing - that I was heard and my plea didn't get lost somewhere on the way to God.
See that's the problem. I put limits on God. I restrict the places, the ways, and the tools that He can use to reach out and provide, help, comfort, love, change, and, ultimately, grow me. I know what I expect, and when God acts in a way that is different or God asks me to do something I feel like I shouldn't have to do, I feel like it's all wrong. But really all He is doing is asking, "Are you willing to trust me, and follow me, even when I'm not doing it your way, because you know I'm doing something amazing?"
Am I? Am I willing to give up on my own expectations and let God have free range to guide me in whatever way He chooses to my own personal Promised Land? Jim ended his message with something that really stuck with me.... The Israelites got to their destination by the grace of God, not because they did it right the entire way. I can't expect for my journey to be any different. There will be times when I get it wrong, and times when I'm downright stupid, and times with I inflict more pain on myself. BUT... am I willing to believe and trust that no matter what I do and no matter how many times I stumble, that my God is wise enough, strong enough, caring enough, giving enough, and faithful enough to show me an Exodus - a way out - from my situation and get me to my Promised Land whatever it takes?
02 July 2010
The Essential 100
I started a new devotional today on youversion.com called "The Essential 100". It's made up of 50 chunks of Old Testament scripture and 50 chunks of New Testament scripture. I'm pretty excited about it, hopefully it'll bring a bit of structure to my God time.
And I'll also be working on finishing up Hebrews in the meantime.....
Ready. Set. Go.
And I'll also be working on finishing up Hebrews in the meantime.....
Ready. Set. Go.
01 July 2010
29 June 2010
double edged sword
Either you're doing right, and I'm missing out. Or you've done wrong, and I can't trust your discernment.
---
Now, I'm writing this under the assumption that there is still a chance, a chance that neither of us really wholeheartedly believe in or would even be willing to admit the existence of. But, I just can't wrap my mind around what this inbetween stage could be. What are you learning? What about this is beneficial to the our maybe, possibly, could be future together? What do I do in the meantime?
The whole thing is demotivating. I want to give up on this, on us, and on you. I want to move on. I want to see what else is out there. But, even when I do... my heart is still stuck on you.
---
God, make this worthwhile. Reassure me. Lead me to places in Scripture where you have provided comfort, wisdom, knowledge, and show me places where you have granted your followers a patience, grace, and forgiveness that mimics Yours. God, give me confidence if this is worth waiting on. Grant me freedom from this if it's not.
Thank you for Your love and You're willingness to give me the things I ask for within reason. Continue to bless this summer, help me to know your commands in my mind and keep them in my heart. You are so awesome, Father. I don't deserve to be anywhere near Your splendor and majesty. May I live my life as a sacrifice to Your strength, beauty, and wonder. Exalt yourself with my actions, thoughts, and desires.
I love you.
07 June 2010
"The Man I Want To Be" - Chris Young
They played this song in church this Sunday, and it brought me to tears. If I could put words to how I've been feeling this week about love and him and God and how all those things mix together. The end part is almost the exact same as what I've been praying....
God, I'm down here on my knees 'cause it's the last place left to fall
Beggin' for another chance if there's any chance at all
That you might still be listening, loving and forgiving guys like me
I've spent my whole life gettin' it all wrong, and I sure could use your help
cause from now on..
I wanna be a good man, a "do like I should" man
I wanna be the kind of man the mirror likes to see
I wanna be a strong man, an admit that I was wrong man
God I'm asking you to come change me into the man I wanna be
If there's anyway for her and me to make another start
could you see what you could do to put some love back in her heart
Cause it's going to take a miracle after all I've done to really make her see
That I wanna be a stay man, I wanna be a great man
I wanna be the kind of man she sees in her dreams
God, I wanna be your man and I wanna be her man
God, I only hope she still believes in the man I wanna be
Well, I know it's late at night and talk is cheap, but, Lord, don't give up on me
I wanna be a giving man, I wanna really start living man
God, I'm asking you to come change me into the man I wanna be
God, I'm down here on my knees 'cause it's the last place left to fall
Beggin' for another chance if there's any chance at all
That you might still be listening, loving and forgiving guys like me
I've spent my whole life gettin' it all wrong, and I sure could use your help
cause from now on..
I wanna be a good man, a "do like I should" man
I wanna be the kind of man the mirror likes to see
I wanna be a strong man, an admit that I was wrong man
God I'm asking you to come change me into the man I wanna be
If there's anyway for her and me to make another start
could you see what you could do to put some love back in her heart
Cause it's going to take a miracle after all I've done to really make her see
That I wanna be a stay man, I wanna be a great man
I wanna be the kind of man she sees in her dreams
God, I wanna be your man and I wanna be her man
God, I only hope she still believes in the man I wanna be
Well, I know it's late at night and talk is cheap, but, Lord, don't give up on me
I wanna be a giving man, I wanna really start living man
God, I'm asking you to come change me into the man I wanna be
Living Beyond Breathing
I have to admit... I've been in a bit of a God rut lately. I don't really know what happened. But I've just felt really unmotivated lately. I haven't been reading scripture very much, and my prayer life is strained at best. It's been a couple weeks since the last time I've prayed and walked away not feeling like I was just talking to air. I hate feeling this way, and it's been bothering me all week. Then today, I was sitting at home listening to an old podcast of Awake, the young adults service I go to at home (email/skype/fbchat/call/text me if you want more info about it).The series they were on when this podcast was made is called, "Living Beyond Breathing", and it caught my attention because that's what I have been longing for.... to feel as if I am living to do something other than breathe, to do something other than just exist.
Now, I don't know this guy Anthony Patrovani, who was speaking that night. I wish I did. But, I do know that this guy is someone I am extremely thankful to call a Brother in Christ. His message, based on John 5:8 inspired me. It challenged me. It made me realize what my spiritual walk has been lacking. He said:
My time with God should be me encountering God in whatever way He calls me to at that time, whether it be through reading Scripture, spending time in prayer, praising and worshiping Him for who he is, serving His people, or just being still before His throne and letting His presence surround me and fulfill me. And my time with God shouldn't be limited to just when I pull away in my room and say "Okay, now I'm making time for you." My time with God is my time living life in it's entirety.
Father,
Thank you so much for showing up today in an unexpected way. Thank you for every breath, God, and thank you for awakening the desire inside of me to do more than just that. God, show me your presence in the little mundane tasks of the day. Let me see your character, your love, your strength, your beauty, and your grace and let it fill me up so I can show it to others. God, give me back my passion for knowing you intimately. Don't let me be satisfied with just barely scratching the surface of You anymore. God, bring me to the nitty gritty. Bring me to the hard answers. Bring me to truth that I can stand on. Help me to be sensitive to the convictions that come from You, and help me to let everything else not matter.
I love you so much, Lord.
Now, I don't know this guy Anthony Patrovani, who was speaking that night. I wish I did. But, I do know that this guy is someone I am extremely thankful to call a Brother in Christ. His message, based on John 5:8 inspired me. It challenged me. It made me realize what my spiritual walk has been lacking. He said:
The things we are responsible for in our walk are not about religious duty. It’s about life and not religion. That’s what Jesus has come to give us. Life. Not a list of do’s and don’ts. It’s not a bunch of “Here it is, do this. Don’t do that.” It’s about life that He’s given us. And so when we approach the Word, for example, and we come together it should not be a burden. It shouldn’t be something that’s weighing us down. It ought to be something we approach and think, “This is going to give me strength.”That's what I've been missing.... my walk isn't passionate anymore. It's not drawing anything out of God. I'm not walking away from it feeling encouraged, supported, or blessed in anyway. And it's because I have made it into something it's not. I made it into habit, into a religious routine. No wonder I don't have the desire to do it anymore... it's become nothing more than a chore. It's spiritual laundry that I've turned into a cycle - get cozy in bed, pray for an open mind, read a little bit, pray again for what I think I need, then repeat the next day. Why do I expect to get any sort of fulfillment from that?
My time with God should be me encountering God in whatever way He calls me to at that time, whether it be through reading Scripture, spending time in prayer, praising and worshiping Him for who he is, serving His people, or just being still before His throne and letting His presence surround me and fulfill me. And my time with God shouldn't be limited to just when I pull away in my room and say "Okay, now I'm making time for you." My time with God is my time living life in it's entirety.
Father,
Thank you so much for showing up today in an unexpected way. Thank you for every breath, God, and thank you for awakening the desire inside of me to do more than just that. God, show me your presence in the little mundane tasks of the day. Let me see your character, your love, your strength, your beauty, and your grace and let it fill me up so I can show it to others. God, give me back my passion for knowing you intimately. Don't let me be satisfied with just barely scratching the surface of You anymore. God, bring me to the nitty gritty. Bring me to the hard answers. Bring me to truth that I can stand on. Help me to be sensitive to the convictions that come from You, and help me to let everything else not matter.
I love you so much, Lord.
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